Reverse Psychology

So here is a very unpretentious guide to staying unhappy.

1. Put a frown on your face and keep looking in the mirror. It will remind you at all times to not let yourself move from the unhappy place.
2. Make sure you only think about yourself and your own misery. Never ever consider volunteering at a homeless shelter, a home for abused women or an orphanage abroad. This way, you can hold on to your sheltered self-centeredness that renders you so unhappy.
3.Indulge in everything that fosters a bad mood: junk food, fast food, alcohol, cigarettes, pornographic and twisted literature, movies about guns and evil men, pity parties, depressing music, staying home alone for days on end. Have a regimented diet of these.
4. Make a thorough list of everything that has gone wrong in your life. Then make a second list, and on this one, write down everything that you have not yet accomplished but should have. Finally, make a third list in which you will list every one who has let you down thus far in your life. Make sure to memorize the three lists so that you can quote them whenever you need to.
5. Dabble in the occult a bit. You only need a bit for this one to work for you.
6. Don’t go outside and breathe in the fresh air. Do your best to stay cooped up in stale rooms, never giving your brain a chance to be refreshed with pure oxygen.

7. Never ever take any time to do things that you enjoy, like knitting, or walking, or shopping, or talk on the phone. Focus all your attention and time on your duties.
8. Refuse to daydream. Enough said.
9. Be very diligent about not sleeping more than 5 to 6 hours a night. Keep yourself awake at all cost.
10. Listen and/or read the news three times every single day, religiously swallowing every bite of it as medicine. Make sure to pay attention to the details of each evil act reported. Even better, talk about them.
11. Move your body the least amount possible. No biking, hiking, lifting weights, swimming allowed.
12. Don’t ever think or talk about all the ways you are “blessed,” like food on your table, roof over your head, people in your life etc.. This one is vital, for it will help you stay in a state of unthankfulness–utterly necessary in order to stay unhappy.
13. Be very, very busy. All day and every day. Try to add every evening as well. Or at least five times a week.
14. Consider everything that you need to do and keep thinking about it. Even when you are doing well. Never allow yourself to enjoy the moment that you are in.
15. Most importantly, don’t ever open a Bible or talk to God, because they point to every reason you have to hope and be filled with joy.